Technology In Time
This is where technology is taking us:
Me: Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
Autobot: No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.
Me: Did I dial the wrong number?
Autobot: No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Me: Oh, alright – then I’d like to place an order please.
Autobot: Okay sir, do you want the usual?
Me: The usual? You know what my usual is?
Autobot: According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Me: Okay – that’s what I want this time too.
Autobot: May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
Me: No, I hate vegetables.
Autobot: But your cholesterol is not good
Me: How do you know?
Autobot: Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Me: Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
Autobot: But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.
Me: I bought more from another drugstore.
Autobot: It’s not showing on your credit card sir.
Me: I paid in cash.
Autobot: But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
Me: I have another source of cash.
Autobot: This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
Me: WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …
Autobot: I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport … it expired 5 weeks ago.
Me: Okey then I shall just stay here i have a national ID.
Autobot: You don’t have a home by your National ID status.
Me: a home?
Autobot: at Least going by the returns made by your father the land to your home address belong to your grandfather and has a charge of an SFT loan.
Me: what is SFT loan.
Autobot: a development it was a credit line your grand father took to buy and develop 12 hectare piece of land in the year 1965.
Me: how much is outstanding?
Autobot: only ksh 89,000.75
Me: this one I shall just pay by M-pesa.
Autobot: sorry your mpesa cannot pay. You have an Mswari loan of ksh14,000.
Me: that’s a lie.
Autobot: A lie? Remember you 6weeks ago you checked in a hotel along river road by the name Magomano hotel?
Autobot: you paid for bed and breakfast for two people using your MPESA.
You bought a toothpaste, two tooth brushes and emergency pills.
You bought a dress size 32 and a pair of under garments size 17.
(Disclaimer: me is not me😁)
A balance of ksh2,000 was paid in cash.
Me: wewe delete that from records.
Autobot: sorry we can’t. The E-citizen gave us only readers rights, distribution rights and reproduction rights. Ther servers are on the moon…
Me: who knows where you pick forms to divorce Facebook?